WHY CAN'T I BE ONE WHO'S BORN WITH AN AMAZING TALENT? (be forwarned, this blog may be pretty messed up. i can't be bothered to arrange my thoughts)yes, i have people telling my that my voice is great and that's my talent and all but really, it's not. technically i have a rather crappy voice ( according to my standards ) and im just not reaching my full potential. i can't act either and frankly, im starting to think that pursuing a performing art-related career is pointless.
whenever i watch a youtube video about some musician, actor or dancer, i get really jealous.
im not funny like
kevjumba or
nigahigai do not have acting/filming skills like
wongfuproductionsand clearly im not attractive, talented or cute like
lilcdawg or
savannahouten.i can't sing properly, i can't act properly, i CAN'T EVEN PLAY A FREAKING INSTRUMENT, i can't dance (mainly because im fat. tbh, i REALLY REALLY like ballet-related dances but .... mum and dad will never allow me to take classes for that. in fact, i might just be laughed at.)
till today, i still think that if i was skinner, life would have been more perfect. i could learn a dance without being laughed at, i would be more confident, i would have more youtube subscribers and everyone will love me, i would have boys actually liking me, my life would have been way awesomer. everytime in school, classmates (esp. fuquan) would tell me stuff like,
"Kimberly, you're pretty. but ... you would have been alot prettier if you were slimmer."
yes dude, if only i was slimmer.
WHY THE CRAP AM I LIKE THIS? WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE OTHERS WHO CAN EAT AN ENTIRE RESTAURANT UP AND NOT GET FAT? if i was slimmer, life would have been more perfect .... yeah, you get me.
on the topic on being fat and all, nowadays i tell others that it's fine that people make fun of me because im fat but the truth is, IT'S NOT. do you know how hurt i feel? how much i long to be skinny? if i could excersise alot more, i would. but due to medical reasons, i can't.
let me give you an example of me being fat, and torn apart.
In primary 3, i joined the chinese dance club. that's right, there was a point in time whereby i wore tight leotards and ballet shoes. but because im fat, no one had faith in my dancing. people were also teasing me and laughing about how i looked. THAT'S WHY I QUIT.
and in drama, once for SYF we did a cinderella based story. for the ugly stepsisters, we named them according to 3 of the seven sins, gluttony, pride, envy. at first i didn't get gluttony but EVENTUALLY I DID. WHY? BECAUSE IM FAT AND THEY'RE NOT. don't try to bluff me with stuff like, this character suits you better. WRONG, it's just the name that suits me. (eventually we took that character off i think bcos someone left the club.) and just to clear things up, im not angry about it anymore.
i do not expect justinbieber like fame. i just want to be loved, to be accepted that's all.
till today, i've always wanted someone to tell me
"you're beautiful, just the way you are."
I KNOW IT'S CHEESY!i know i sound whiny and all but i just can't help but feel useless and stupid. i can't even pass N LEVELS with flying colours. oh yes, im not going to regret about N's related stuff because I STUDIED. YES, I STUDIED. proof? I HAVE A GAZZILION NOTES WHICH I MADE FOR EVERY SUBJECT.
why am i so stupid and useless then?
maybe, im not trying hard enough.
or maybe, im just born pathetic.
no wait, that's not right. after all, god made us each with a special talent ... right?
maybe my talent is having no talent and all.
i know i should be thinking more positively rather than like this. and just to be clear, im not suicidal (well i kinda used to be.) but it's not easy getting out of a dump like this. give me time, i'll find my way out, eventually. but right now, leave me be.
whoa, i finally got my emotions out. if read this entire blog post, good for you.
p.s: i'll stop this blog by the end of this year. i just need to bury my past and move on.
Labels: rant
