i honestly don't know what to write about so im just gonna shoot anything and everything that comes to my mind. first and foremost welcome to my blog, a world full of well ... pretty useless things/thoughts/ideas that would hardly or not contribute to the world's efforts to make mother earth a better place to be in.
im having this weird problem now (well for the past 10years to be exact). FINDING MY IDENTITY. i mean, who am i? what am i as a person? etc.
well i know for a fact that my name is kimberly, i am chinese-filipino, im sixteen turning seventeen in just a couple of months, i have a sister name kelly and i live in a pretty humble-looking 4room flat. But that's not what im looking for.
i have had people asking me stuff like what's my favourite colour, what kinds of music/flowers/foods blah blah blah and the truth is, i don't know how to answer right about 90% of them. i know im not facing this alone in fact, almost everyone is. this in turn makes my problem insignificant thus i don't think i can talk to anyone about this. ugh, im slowly killing myself like that.
wait, what was i talking about?
oh yes, identity crisis. over the years i see myself copying others just so i could look nice or cool. in kindergarten, i would look at my classmates' water bottles and telling my mum after school that i want the exact same one. in primary school i would follow this girlwhoshallnotbenamed's handwritting all the time. in secondary school i would look at skinny ahlian girls and be jealous of them. gosh, i could go on and on about this.
okay, i have actually talked to a few close friends about this but really, i don't see how they can feel my pain (not that they are insensitive i just don't know how to express myself). to be honest, im actually starting to see myself as a pain in their asses.
life's great, isn't it?
call me jealous, but I REALLY WANNA BE LIKE OTHER GIRLS ALTHOUGH SOMETIMES I SAY I DON'T. i wanna be pretty, smart ..... i wanna be every boys' dream. (okay not to that extent :/)
(at this point i honestly think i went off topic to some extent but, mehh, its me blog)
i hate myself, almost 80% of the time. but don't worry though. im not suicidal or anything. i don't cut my wrists for no apparent reason. im a pretty strong girl, i think. being bullied almost my entire life has actually made me stronger (that strength lasts me till i reach home before i break down and cry .. well sometimes)
do i have talents? i know i love singing and acting. but honestly i don't think i have much of a talent. i do pretty below average in school, in drama i can't act well enough to meet mr william's expectations, when i sing i have no 'power', i suck at drawing and painting. obviously im no sports person especially being born with a hole in my heart. so what am i good at? i think currently i specialise in being FAT.
on the topic of obesity, CAN EVERYONE STOP MAKING FAT JOKES ABOUT ME? I SERIOUSLY HATE IT. i wasn't fat by choice. you guys don't think i wanna be skinny and pretty? i do. i really hate being laughed at. i just last at your comments but it kills me inside so please stop. i'll be skinny someday, you'll see. i feel like crying now actually, haha.
sorry if i sound like a spoilt brat and that i seem like i don't appreciate the things god has given me. i do okay? in fact each night before i go to bed i thank god for my very exsistance, my chance to experience life. but still, i have the right to hate myself to a certain extent.
i think i should really sleep now.
Labels: reflection
